Poop Astrology: What Your Sign Says About Your Poo

What’s written in the stars about your bathroom style? Probably nothing, but these horoscopes are pretty funny.

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Ever the competitive type, Aries, you’re the one most likely to be overheard at a dinner party bragging about how regular you are (just hopefully not at the dinner table). Your shits are the best shits ever, and no one can tell you otherwise. Wear your dookie dominance proudly.

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Your daily bathroom routine is not to be messed with, Taurus. You love systems and stability, so one missed BM could throw off your whole week. Just remember -- youwill shit again. Also, try eating more fiber.

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Everyone knows Geminis are the wildcard of the zodiac. While other people might think your bathroom habits are bizarre (who said it was illegal to stand up to wipe?), you have a constant need to express your artistic side, even alone in the shitter.

Cancer

Jun 21 - Jul 22

There’s no one better to share bathroom woes with than you, Cancer. Diarrhea, food poisoning, chronic constipation -- even if you haven’t had it, you have a pill for it, just in case. Your compassion knows no bounds.

Leo

Jul 23 - Aug 22

We bet if we polled randoms on who has theleast trouble going No. 2 in public, it would definitely be you, Leo. As the old saying goes, everyone poops, and you have no shame in your turd game. Stay proud!

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

There is no cleaner bathroom to take a shit than a Virgo’s. You’ve got all the good stuff: essential oils, fancy soaps, and at least one thing made out of teak wood. Any time you’re in a room where you have to get half naked, it better at least be comfortable.

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 22

You’re known to let people cut the line when you’re waiting for the bathroom, Libra. Sometimes, you even let them come in there with you, too. (Weird flex but OK.) You just love a party, even if one (or more) of you is peeing.

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

There isn’t a toilet that a brave Scorpio is too scared to shit in. From port-o-potties to that one stall at work that clogs sometimes, you gotta go when you gotta go. You’re so in tune with your BMs it makes your friends jealous.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

If there was an award for Googling why their poop looks the way it does, you’d win that one, Sag. You love to learn something new everyday, including that it was the beets that did that.

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

So, fine, you’re not a fan of poop jokes. Dropping a deuce is very serious business, kinda like you, Capricorn. But we all know you’re known to take a conference call from the john from time to time -- it’s OK, we won’t tell anyone.

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Creative Aquarians come up with some of their best ideas in the bathroom. Even if there’s four people in line outside the Starbucks bathroom, you’ll take your time finishing your business...and mentally finishing your pilot script.

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

You’re usually too busy completing your artistic oeuvre to clean your bathroom, but it doesn’t really matter. You love it in there, Pisces, because you can totally be yourself. Maybe just hang the towels up when your friends come over.